Swim

In 2009, I went touched down in Austin, Texas for the first time. Walking across the campus of UT Austin for the Hell Froze Over Tournament, I entered the classroom where I was to compete in Poetry along with a group of other collegiate forensics members. 

I saw a man walk up and give tribute to his brother who had passed away and was also well known on the speech circuit. One of the key words he used in his performance was from “Swim” by Jack’s Mannequin, a song I was familiar with, but never fully listened to. The words stuck with me starting on that day, though.

You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you’re not so sure you’ll survive
You gotta swim
Swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven’t come this far
To fall off the earth

Sitting in my parents living room in 2019, and I could have never imagined I would have gone through these last ten years. I have hinted that my life upended a bit, starting a whole new round of waiting to see what would be to come. 

I’m not writing today to speak more kindling to the fire of self doubt, to spread hurtful words, or to tell a very long story out of context, but it is to acknowledge the swim my life has been. 

For a long while my thought was that I was alone in my quest of self discovery…self understanding…life in general? However it is that you want to call it, I imagined myself in choppy waters, gasping for breath, taking the next stroke so looking for it to be over and arrive at my destination; utterly alone in deep waters. 

The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above
I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I’m not giving in
You gotta swim

“Swim” by Jacks Mannequin has become my anthem. What I had forgotten was that I wasn’t the only one swimming. With each stroke, each tilt of the head, there is someone just ahead, just behind, or right next to me at all times. These people are the ones who are warning me of what is ahead, and pushing me forward. They are the ones that let me hold on when I am too tired to go any farther, and trust me enough so I can do the same for them in their time of need. 

You gotta swim
For nights that won’t end
Swim for your family
Your lovers your sisters
Your brothers your friends
You gotta swim

For my community, I thank you. Thank you for the long conversations, the late nights, the affirmations, and ultimate love. For the first time in my life I am realizing I am not alone on this swim, and I am oh so happy to be with you.