Christians Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations of Love
From when I was young, I had a dream where I would be whisked away by Prince Charming. He would be tall, and muscular, rough around the edges, with a soft spot for me. I could depend on him for anything, and would never have to question his actions, motives, ideas…we would have a perfect life.
When I started a relationship with Christ when I was a freshman in high school, this mentality didn’t change. Instead, it became wrapped in the theology I was attempting to understand. If I am x amount devoted to God, then God will provide me with a man (described above).
A few years later, I enter college, seeking the man of my dreams (ring by spring, am I right?). Surrounded by good friends, a strong Christian community, and a MRS degree on my mind, I went hard after an ideal relationship. That ideal had shifted a little from what I had said before and became this complimentarian view of what my role was to be. I didn’t want just anyone. I wanted a man who was strong after God, who was so solid in his faith that he could lead me closer to God. Someone who knew more than me and would be a pastor so I could play the ideal pastors wife without ruffling the feathers of good Christians everywhere. I mean, that was my purpose in life as a woman, right?…
It’s the end of my sophomore year of college and I was accepted back to be a camp counselor at a camp down in Texas and I had meet my co-counselors via facebook. There was one in particular who caught my eye. He was funny, hansom, and was eager to continue conversation, though we had not met in person, yet. For simplicity sake, we will call him my “boyfriend” for the summer, however, the whole thing was a mess created by yours truly.
For some reason in my mind, this amazing Christian man did not fit in my box of what it was to be a Christian boyfriend…future husband…whatever it was I was expecting him to be. Now, before anyone says anything, I agree that we should all be picky in who we allow to be romantically involved with, but there is a difference between picky and judgmental, and boy was I toeing, if not, over the line.
However, at the time, I had a list of requirements in my head (and maybe also down on paper) of exactly what I needed in a Christian man. 1. Love Jesus (duh) 2. Be taller than me (doesn’t go along with the Christian angle, but I am a giantess, so its necessary), 3. Have a good sense of humor without being too crass, 4. Be good with kids (especially their campers), 5. Be good with my brother (Zach is pretty much right under Jesus in my priority list), 6. Be able to lead me spiritually, 7. Be able to initiate Bible and only talk about God, 8. Be sexually pure, 9. Be able to show me affection without going overboard, and knows when to stop, 10. Doesn’t drink, 11. Doesn’t do drugs, 12. Takes charge….the list goes on and unfortunately, that is only….maybe…10% of the actual list.
I the VERY rare chance he is reading this and has recognized he is the one I’m talking about,”Hey! I’m mortified.”
You guys, I wish I were kidding, but this was everything I wanted and expected. I think if you got this far in the post you will understand why our “relationship” didn’t work out.
Picking up where we left off, I had found myself very much in like with a man at a camp I worked at during the summer…except…he did not meet all of the (mostly unachievevable) standards of my “list” I had compiled.
“but there is a difference between picky and judgmental, and boy was I toeing, if not, over the line.”
When I think about our “relationship,” I can remember him leaving me notes in my bag in the staff room, waiting until the ungodly hours of the morning until I finished speaking with campers to walk me back to my cabin, and abiding by very strict guidelines I gave him for our interactions (what?). I remember his openness and honesty about his life, his past, and his love for Jesus. When I passive-aggressivly mentioned that he didn’t read the bible enough he bought a study bible and wanted to set up a time for us to read together. No matter the relentless care and affection he gave, there was a large block I put between us. I can’t imagine how much that must have hurt him. Looking back, I cringe at how foolish I was.
I look back at that a partially gag, but also have an overwhelming feeling of remorse for a number of reasons. The first thing is that I believed at that time that as an individual, I was not capable of following Christ solo. I had it in my mind that in order to fulfill whatever the hell I was supposed to in this life, I had to be connected with a man to lead me. The second was putting this man in the place of Jesus in my life (Christ is the only being that has been and ever will be perfect) giving him IMPOSSIBLE shoes to fill. I mean, shouldn’t my Prince Charming intuit my ideals and needs without my needing to communicate them? Even in his most valiant efforts to give me what I wanted, I saw something wrong with it. I thought that any relationship worth having had to be followed to a T in a perfect image I had constructed without any flaws such as disagreeing, being goofy, open communication…(you know, normal human tendencies) that would lead to our Holy Matrimony in the end. Yikes.
The most difficult thing for me, though, was the idea that I couldn’t lead in a relationship because I am a woman. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to tell him what I wanted, though that was part of it (see explanation above), it was that I didn’t think I had a place to speak to it. He was my leader, I was his follower. I felt in total lack of control of my situation, so I searched for and focused on any “flaw” to back out of it.
He had an insane amount of pressure put on him of impossible expectations, and I was to blame without realizing it.
I am happy to say that I am passed this time in my life when I allowed a number of voices to spew faulty theology of woman being lesser than, but it took many years of wrestling with the idea that there was more to my life then landing a husband who would take over from there.
Friends, this isn’t a post about how to find a husband, how to have the perfect relationship, how to be confident in your singleness, or insert whatever Christian cliche you can imagine on this topic. It is a story of me being, well, dumb. It is a story I want you to learn from so you don’t make the same mistakes the majority of Christians have made in the “name of Jesus Christ.”
If you don’t get anything else from this post, I want you to take a breath and see YOUR worth in the Lord, alone; you do not need someone else to complete your relationship with God (…Paul…anyone?). I want you to recognize your expectations for others and loosen that grip. I want you to value your voice and be able to communicate it to anyone that has the fortune of being in your life, and listen to their voice as equals.
I’m sure this is a topic we will be coming back to often. For now, I want to hear what you think.
