Square Dancing

Do you guys remember elementary or middle school gym, when you walked in and expected “steal the bacon,” the pull-up test, the mile run, or any or all of the above, when instead you are met with squares made with duct tape on the floor and told to line up boy-girl-boy-girl…then assigned a group and a square to stand around. And, of course, there are more girls than boys, so some girls either had to stand alone, or get paired with the gym teacher and it was humiliating because somehow the boys who were somewhat decent in your class always got nabbed by that girl who somehow radiated confidence that no 10 year old should have. After instructions, you begin your dance with your partner and the rest of your square.

Then…by some magic, mercy from the Lord on High, your teacher gets on the microphone and announces to switch partners. You are getting closer and closer to the one person you really want to dance with…who doesn’t smell weird…doesn’t want to talk about various things he has eaten off the floor, or doesn’t exude various bodily noises at inappropriate times. Right before it gets to be your turn, the bell rings to end the class and the rest of the class runs out of the gym chatting excitedly about the very awkward experience, “WE HELD HANDS!” “HE LOOKED AT ME!” “SHE WAS TOTALLY INTO ME!” and you are just kind of there, either feeling totally dejected that you didn’t get to dance with anyone, or that one kid who wears the same pair of shorts everyday kept skipping the line to make sure to dance with you for every turn. You slip into your own mind thinking how patient you had been; how you were so close to getting to be a part of something fun, to feel a bit special, how your moment had almost come. You think if you keep waiting it will happen for you. You just need a bit more time. It will happen. 

Is it weird that almost 20 years later I am still thinking the same thing? Is it weird that I am starting to think it might not happen? 

Now, this isn’t a post to express my agony of flying solo with my dog, but, instead, attempting to figure out how I feel about where I am in life. 

If you have been following so far in my posts and various other medias, you know I have found myself in the realm of transition in recent years, my expectations I daydreamed of since childhood of how my life would be not coming to fruition and up until recently it has been the source of pain, questioning, and exhaustion. That’s right. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to figure this out…of being patient…of trying to figure out to move the line along to get my partner. 

I know I’m not alone in this. 

“You think if you keep waiting it will happen for you. You just need a bit more time. It will happen.”

So how do I feel about this? No idea. Really. I have no idea how I feel about this. I want a partner. I want a teammate.

But…I also really like my apartment the way it is. I like my time and enjoying it alone sometimes. I like sporadically jumping in my car with Harper and driving to my parents house, or catching a last minute flight to visit friends. I love late night conversations with strangers about their lives, their hopes, their dreams, their questions about God…I love the idea that if an opportunity presents itself that I could just go at the drop of the hat.

BUT. I also would love someone to do all of those things with. Someone to celebrate and cry with. Someone to come home to and share life with. Someone to run with them on their adventures or to come along on mine so those adventures become OUR adventures. What about a job? How do I feel about job jumping recently. I hate it. It is the worst. Why? Because I feel unsettled and not in a place to assert myself or settle because I, and everyone else, knows it is temporary…or at least was supposed to be and now I don’t know where I am supposed to be. Settling. Settling? Is that even a thing? It was something I wanted, and now I don’t know. Is there such a thing as planting oneself where they are anymore? Is that me? 

What are the truths I do know? I know that I am blessed and lucky to have what I do have right now. I have an income. I have a way to support and take care of myself and my pup. I have a community that has held me up in some of the most painful times and rejoiced with me in new beginnings; who have gone out of their way to help me and love me. I have a place to try things I never thought I would ever get around to doing…like writing regularly and trying to find a literary agent, like practicing keyboard and guitar and contemplating playing and singing publicly, like getting back into acting or dancing or rock climbing or moving to Nashville for the heck of it or staying here or building a tiny house. 

I have been living inside my daydreams that I have built throughout my life, they haven’t changed, but just built upon. I never thought they could be dashed. I never thought that once they were dashed that something else better and unexpected could be built in its place. 

Here, Lord. I’m letting it go. I’m letting go of whatever it is I thought and I want to see what you had and have in mind. Help me to be here and live fully here as you take me through life. I am tired. You know that. You have a lot going on. I feel like a burden asking you to take another thing of mine on.