The Order of the Phoenix

“So what are we going to call ourselves?”

“How about ‘The Order of the Phoenix’?”

“Absolutely.”

I’ve been struggling, trying to figure out how to form each of these posts. As a disclaimer, though this story is told from my perspective, it is dedicated to Hannah, Dilan and the rest of The Order of the Phoenix.

While sitting in my Constructive Theology class, I received an email from Josh, the Pastor of University Baptist Church, which was the church I was attending at the time. Josh had messaged me as well as a few others that he knew had a call into student ministry asking if we could meet the following Sunday about the possibility of starting a youth group. Right away, I was all over it, planning curriculum, possible smaller retreats and various other tools we could use. I did not know anyone else on the list by name, but when I arrived on Sunday afternoon in Josh’s office, I knew their faces. Hannah, the only other woman in the room, I had seen around the church. I knew she worked with the children a lot, but other than that I didn’t really know her. Dilan, on the other hand, I knew had just graduated from Baylor’s undergraduate program and recently began classes at Truett, where I was in my last semester. I had seen Dilan around, especially either playing or supporting his fraternity in intramural sports, which I was a temporary graduate assistant for the previous semester. The only other people in the room were, of course Josh, and some man named Trevor that I found out was Josh’s brother-in-law. Me, having a whopping two and a half years of experience as a youth pastor (I hope that you can sense the sarcasm), I was not too keen on the idea that I would be sharing this with anyone else. Due to a lot of harm that happened in my previous church position, I was wary of anyone else collaborating in ministry and was ready to tackle things on my own. We decide that we are going to start a youth group, Hannah, Dilan, and myself being the ones leading the youth, Josh offering his house to host the youth and Trevor as a parent volunteer.

The first meeting before our youth group kick off was literally two hours before youth began to arrive at Josh’s house. We decide that telling everyone’s personal stories was a good way to get things started. We divided the work among the three of us, with the help of Josh. I was to lead “formation” or “devotions” with the students, Dilan was handling games and Hannah was taking over prayer. We get to Josh’s a little later and in walks about twelve, very hesitant, students, not really sure what to do. To be honest, neither did we…but we had pizza! So, we ate pizza, played games, shared stories and prayed. At the end of the night, we gathered together in a group, all hands in, and wanted to close out the night with a cheer, but we didn’t know what to call ourselves. One of the students, Rena, called out something along the lines of, “What about The Order of the Phoenix? You know like rising from the ashes…and we all love Harry Potter…” Unanimously, the group quickly agreed to the name…and that was it. The Order was birthed.

I didn’t think much of this group. I mean, didn’t really know any of the students yet. I for sure didn’t know any of the other leaders and selfishly quickly began comparing myself to them, wanting to win over the students affections; little did I know what God had planned for us that semester.

I don’t know how it happened, or why it happened the way it did, but eventually I was slapped in the face by the Holy Spirit. It seemed as though my view of Hannah and Dilan went from one extreme to the other. These individuals that I didn’t know and wanted to keep at arms-length transformed into family. Why was I so scared of them? What was urging the disunity I longed to have from the beginning? As we rotated who did prayer, games and formation each week, we stopped planning these separately each week and constantly asked for feedback from one another. After every youth group, Josh would sit all of us down and we would go over the week. Trevor, being the master planner that he is, made sure to handle all of our budget and scheduling and together we brain-stormed the next events. It is funny, but in my previous position, feeling like I had to do everything on my own, being put in a place where I really felt I could only trust myself…to truly having this strong team where everything fell into place without stress was almost surreal.

After these meetings, Hannah, Dilan, and I would grab a beer at The Dancing Bear, our favorite pub, play NERTS and talk more about the night. These two became more than just co-leaders with me…they became soul mates. At the end of the night, we could all feel the collective elation of joy you can only get from experiencing the Holy Spirit move. We talked about each student and we could feel our hearts rapidly expanding. To share that with another soul, let alone two…not to mention the five of us total on this leadership team of sorts…was unimaginable to me.

One of my last nights with the youth, we had a bonfire, and I had the opportunity to sit back and just watch. While Josh, Trevor, and the other adult volunteers were setting up dinner, I witnessed Hannah hanging out and cheering on some of the students that were somehow jumping from a fort onto a swing set. Then, looking over to my right, I saw Dilan with at least two students hanging off of him as he ran to catch a football. I hope one day we all come to experience this at one point or another…but this overwhelming feeling of both significant weight and lightness all at once-the feeling of immense pride in others that you love so much, the warmness that spreads through your fingers and toes, the shortness of breath, the feeling that you could scream and laugh and cry all at the same time, knowing that you are witnessing God’s joy radiating at the mere sight of such an odd and wonderful group….

As you start this week, I want to challenge you to find the people you share life with. Who are those around you that share this same passion as you? Think of the experiences you share. On Thursday, we will go a little deeper into what God intends for Youth Ministry and how God is working through this group in particular. I’m excited to hear your reactions and your own stories.

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Have you even been so passionate about something that you couldn’t let it go to chance? Have you ever invested so much of your life into someone(s) or something(s) that you didn’t feel like you could trust others with them or it? Maybe you are a parent letting their child leave for school for the first time, or first time hiring a babysitter. Maybe you are working in a group project that is worth your entire grade. What is making you feel that way? Why are you so scared of letting go of whatever it is?

For me, it wasn’t this need of control, but it was a need of being needed. Somewhere in my life I picked up this notion that I was not enough, not wanted, and not loved. This seemingly irrational fear (when I really sit and think logically) has drawn me to places where I am a mentor figure, a leader, where I know others will thrive because of “my guidance.” For a long time I saw this as passion, a passion for others to guide them in the way I was mentored when I was younger. However, the more I was put in this position, the more I clung to it, finding my worth in these relationships.

Until that night at the bonfire, when I sat watching Hannah, Dilan, Josh, and Trevor love our students and love them so well that I felt this ability to truly let them go. I trusted the relationships they would form with these leaders would thrive and grow for the betterment of the Kingdom of God. So much unneeded pressure lifted off my shoulders that I put on myself—gone. The recognition that I am needed, wanted, and love, but not the only one who can carry out this love and guidance for these students. I am not the superhero. I am not the center of God’s plan…

…but this overwhelming feeling of both significant weight and lightness all at once-the feeling of immense pride in others that you love so much, the warmness that spreads through your fingers and toes, the shortness of breath, the feeling that you could scream and laugh and cry all at the same time, knowing that you are witnessing God’s joy radiating at the mere sight of such an odd and wonderful group….

The beauty of God’s grace is that God gently placed this in my path to recognize and for that I am grateful. God knows us so intimately that God is aware of how we need to learn and reaches us in that unique way. I needed to learn this through the peeling back of layers of my protection I had built up around my heart and the students for the span of months. At the epiphany of this ultimate trust of my co-leaders, I did not feel defeated, but I felt overwhelming love and thankfulness that I got to be a part of this team.

My challenge for you is to not only work to identify this self-reflection, but work toward identifying these things in those around you. I truly believe that we are the hands and feet of God, meaning that we represent Christ (and thank the Lord we have the Holy Spirit to guide us to do so). Without the patience and grace given to me by Hannah, Dilan, Josh and Trevor to ease me into this time of formation, it could have been a seriously different outcome. I will forever be thankful to God for placing me in such a setting to be loved and molded so significantly.

Take time to build relationships with those around you, tune into where they are and what they need. At the same time, start recognizing those things in yourself so that you can voice that to your community. God meets us in our brokenness and places people in our lives to do the same. Sometimes we just need to take some extra effort to recognize it.

Posts in the future will focus on this study of intra and inter personal relationships-but in the meantime, I encourage you to start looking into it for yourself. Check out my friend David’s blog to give you a chance to look into this spiritual practice.

Now, my dear friends, breathe in the relief that God does not create us to be perfect on our own, but creates us for relationship with the God who is perfect.