To know, or not to know…

Coming from this side of Christmas, I’m sure many of us have been going through our spoils whether they be toys, games, gift cards, memories…you name it. For me, I call myself a book dragon for a reason. I hoard books like it is my job and protect my booty with detailed attention and old school library check out cards (I wish I were kidding). 

This Christmas, I was gifted Yes, And…Daily Meditations by Richard Rohr. I found it very fitting with my love of acting and theology. Today, I thought I would play some book roulette and see where it landed. Page 222: 

(Yeah, I probably should have retyped that and put it in quotes, but…I’m tired and lazy and I don’t want to. Don’t freak out, just follow the hyperlinks.)

I was, at first, off put by this idea, or my comprehension from the quote that searching to know God more was sinful. What is the point of learning more about God, if knowledge supposedly brings disunity and pain? How are we to grow in our faith if we aren’t supposed to gain knowledge? The second I asked myself this, almost my entire relationship with Christ whipped through my head at once; I went through all of these stages. 

First, I didn’t know anything and didn’t want anyone to know I didn’t know anything because I was embarrassed-even God. So, I pretended. I copied. I thought I learned. But like so many adolescents, I learned the “answers” without understanding the logic or meaning behind them. 

Then, I really thought I began to understand. I read who I was told to read. I became passionate about divisive stances that ironically went against my favor as a woman. I did everything I could to cram myself into this stupid, awkward box that I couldn’t figure out and it left me feeling more broken and alone than ever. At this point I had the “answers” and the “reasoning” behind the answers, however they were just copy and pasted from those around me who I believed knew more and who I saw as superior in faith. So, even though I said and supposedly believed the “right” things, who I was still wasn’t “quite right.” 

Next, I had everything I thought I knew shattered and went to the opposite extreme becoming passionate about divisive stances about hot button topics that were definitely not in my favor being in Texas and questioning everyone and everything. Finally, at this point, since I had this magical piece of paper that said I read and wrote a bunch of things that I was therefore qualified to lead churches, ministries, work at Starbucks…whatever it is you do with a Master of Divinity. However, I was hurt, confused, and an unhealthy cynic. Just as an example, friends of mine that I made right out of seminary can tell you how much I “hate David” in Scripture. While it is very true that he isn’t a favorite (for reasons I’ll get to another time) I honestly said it that way at the time in an attempt to be brief, kind of funny, and didn’t think they would bother to argue me (in part because of my magic piece of paper). But, they did, and I felt so disconnected. Now, past thirty, I’ve realized these blanket statements can be prideful, harmful, especially if those listening blindly follow what you say as I did when I first started my journey with Christ (your friends will also bring it up a lot in random conversation and it will make you cringe and feel misunderstood even after you try and explain yourself…best just to let it go.)

Don’t get me wrong, I worked my butt off for that degree and would not trade that experience for anything, but now seven years out and having had the life experience I’ve had now, I can tell you, I don’t know everything. Even when I graduated with my Master of Divinity, I do not think I knew everything, but I was so desperate for approval from others that I wanted people to affirm that I knew things (hence the paragraph above). Though I still struggle with seeking approval, it isn’t as desperate as it once was, and it is good that I questioned, because then I learned for myself. The formation from the Spirit that needed to take place, took place. It was painful, but what formation that is worth it, isn’t? Those passionate stances I had, I still stand strong on some of them; however, I am more gentle in my approach of the topic. The beauty of the Spirit is the continual relationship and working of it in our lives.

Look at me. Learning. 

So what does this have to do with Rohr’s daily meditation I stumbled upon? Well, I thought of all these moments in my walk, then a flash of a number of my professors saying, “the more you learn, the more you realize you don’t know…” and, “if anyone tells you they have all the answers, run,” or as one of my favorite {murder} podcasts puts it, “you’re in a cult, call your dad.”

Then my thoughts finally settled in New Mexico at The Monastery of Christ in the Desert. Seminary took me to some unique places, one of them being in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of monks. We got to learn from and work alongside these men who had devoted their entire selves to the Lord. Ora Et Labora: Prayer and works. We were able to partake in meals with them, which were silent, the praying of the hours, and a Bible study lead by our professor, Dr. Hulitt Gloer. A Baptist seminary professor leading a Bible study on the book of Mark, invited to sit at the Abbotts seat, for a monastery of Benedictine monks. It was a strange but blessed sight to see. 

We, as students, were invited, but asked to keep silent and just observe and could take notes. I was seated across the dining hall from Father Andreas. Father Andreas was maybe five feet tall, probably in his 70’s or older, with a personality that could fill the entire state. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember much from that study, but I do remember watching Father Andreas. His eyes were glued to Dr. Gloer and lit up when he spoke. When it was time to read from Scripture, he swung his feet above the ground in excitement. He asked questions, and then more questions, and then more questions. The more questions he asked the more intrigued he became, and the bigger the smile on his face. 

“…further up and further in…”
–C.S. Lewis, The Last Battle

My original questions, “What is the point of learning more about God, if knowledge brings disunity and pain? How are we to grow in our faith if we aren’t supposed to gain knowledge?” then became this:

How can I continue to be amazed by God throughout my lifetime? How has God reframed my mindset through Scripture, experience, the body of Christ, the Spirit…?”

Because, friends, it is not knowledge that brings forth pain and disunity, it is the pride of believing one has all the knowledge that brings forth pain and disunity. It is a closed off mind a ridged legalistic ideals that keep knowledge from growing, it keeps you from learning (even if it is approached in jest). It is wisdom that tells you, “the more you learn, the less you know…” We assume it is through knowledge that we will grow in faith, but there isn’t one way to grow in faith. Unfortunately, tactically, we default to, “read your Bible. Go to church. Have “quiet time”…” and although these things are beneficial, the number of ways we can encounter and learn from God is incalculable. Take a moment and ponder what God is doing in this very moment as you take up this space around you.

I aspire to be like Father Andreas; giddy with anticipation to even get to slightest grasp of a new outlook on our God, and embrace the beauty that life has to offer. 

I have learned a lot, but I have a lot of learning, and re-learning, and re-learning to do…will you join me?

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