My “Injured” Reputation
I have a tendency to get injured a lot. I donβt know what it is. I donβt know why. It just happens. From breaking my nose in a mud pit, to spraining my ankle dancing to the YMCA, and falling off a bus in Israel, injury follows me around. I hated this fact about myself. I hated that this was my descriptor. Not because I hated getting hurt, but because of how much attention it drew to me. β
I know what you are thinking, especially those who know me who are reading this, βSam not wanting to draw attention? Yeah right.β Laughter is in my DNA. Any type of performance, I thrive. Speaking in front of huge groups of people-I revel in that light. These things that normal people fear to death, I approach head on.Β
However, in all of those circumstances, I am in charge. I am the one putting myself out there. I am the one in control of how I show myself to others. When I get injured, I show my weakness. I show my pride. This girl who labels herself as a performer, outgoing, fearless to meeting new people finds ultimate humiliation in getting hurt.Β
This specific injury that I am going to summarize (while attempting to skip all of the details, donβt worry) happened back in 2010. I was working at a camp and loving life. My co-counselors were amazing! My bosses were amazing! It was overall the start to one of the best summers I can remember to date. A few weeks in, I got a little bite from a fire ant. Now, if you have been bit by a fire ant, you know that it isnβt fun, but not the worst thing in the world. Just be prepared for that spot to be super itchy for a while afterward. I have always been allergic to random bites and stings, but didnβt think anything of this bite. Unfortunately, before I knew it, my foot turned into a sausage to the point I couldnβt walk on it, it was so swollen. I guess I had one of my allergic reactions and this little ant bite ended up infecting my entire foot and I got cellulitis.Β
I, being desperate to control the situation, tried to humor my way out of it. Bringing it up slyly and mentioning how I must have a curse on me to acknowledge that my foot was indeed disgusting and I was aware of it. My paranoia of others being angry, grossed out, or frustrated with me because of this stupid ant bite was getting the best of me and I was attempting to get in front of it. Of course, as you probably have figured out, that only made it worse.Β
What started as intentions to βlaugh it offβ turned into my withdrawal from my community. It felt like no matter what I did, I made it worse. Every little βfix itβ I attempted left me feeling more humiliated and alone. I still cringe at the lengths that I went to, to try to back pedal over each situation. Why did I care so much?
I wish I learned right then and there this idea of βlet it goβ βitβs only as bad as you make itβ βmove onβ or whatever clichΓ© phrase you want to insert here. Of course, I didnβt. I guess I never realized how much I clung on to being in control of things that were clearly out of my control and to be honest it is something now that I am facing head on.Β
My question for you is what is it that you cling to in humiliation? What is preventing you from letting go of situations out of your control?
βSam, you are always hurt. Like always. Itβs like you are a magnetβ¦I donβt mean that you do anything wrong, I just feel bad that you are always injured. You know that we all know that you donβt think you are doing this on purpose, right?βΒ
A small conversation that started the small transformation of my mind. My friends, Lisa, Carlos, and I were sitting outside of a room we had just cleaned on a Saturday after all of our campers of the previous week left. To be honest, I donβt remember which injury count I was at this point, but it was easily something that struck a nerve. Lisaβs comment didnβt just call out a fear or insecurity, but brought this bit of relief I was anxious to hear.
As I told you, I prodded those around me βsubtlyβ to get this affirmation that I wasnβt doing this for attention and my pain was legitimate. I didnβt want pity, but I wanted others tell me I wasnβt frustrating, that I was still wanted…
Typing all of this out sounds silly and that is what I have realized over the years. I cringe thinking of all of the times I pushed so hard to make sure people knew βI was okayβ that βthey could count on meβ that βI am here and ready to work, please see me.β What I forgot to acknowledge was that I was hurt, I was limited, and calling attention to it over and over again was doing the opposite of what I wanted.
My desperation to be seen as perfect and all together so that I would be wanted, loved, and needed by my co-workers, supervisors, and campers dug me into a deep hole that by frantically trying to get out of, just pushed me further down.
This anxiety driven reaction is something I quickly recognize in the students I work with in pretty much any context and have learned to take a step back. For me it was the already rooted anxiousness and fear that I wasnβt enough and the further hindrance of an ant bite gone extreme or a broken nose that made it worse. I struggle living in this truth of God that I am enough, I am loved, I am wanted, I am needed, and I donβt need to do anything to prove that to others.
It is so easy to focus on those around us and winning their approval that we forget the One who gives us ultimate worth. We donβt need to do anything the win the affections of God which is a concept I have grappled with forever and probably will always have trouble grasping.
I still cringe at the lengths that I went to, to try to back pedal over each situation. Why did I care so much?
My encouragement to you today is to recognize the fear and anxiety in your life. Take it in, acknowledge it, breathe, and let it go. Let it allow to shape you but donβt let it be the driving force or definer in your life. Lisa and Carlos gave me that small breath of relief that they didnβt think I was as crazy as I was showing myself to be. They gave me the chance to start giving over desperate actions to God.Β
Now a days, I do not get as injured as I did back at that camp, but the lesson is still with me and growing me daily. Am I perfect at this practice? By no means, but I am aware of it and learning continuously.Β
Now I ask you, how will you respond to the fear and anxiety in your life?
