(I’m)Perfect

Immediately after my first post declaring my challenge to write every day of Advent, I don’t write again for almost a week. I will say, it made for a great title, though, right? I am really digging the parenthasis lately. 

Anyway, I’ll be honest, this post will be brief. I am exhausted. Partially from the insanity from the holidays, life in general, but a lot from the catatonic state my perfectionism has left me in recently. I have an on going to do list in my mind and if I think too much about it, I get so overwhelmed that I can’t move. It’s like that Kim Kardashian meme of her in bed saying, “I have so much to do, so I’m going to take a nap.” 

It seems silly, but the simple task of picking up the laundry isn’t just picking up the laundry to me. It’s sorting the clothes, putting them in the washer, making sure I have a task to do while that cycle is going, then swapping it over to the dryer, making sure I have a task to do while that cycle is going, then sorting the laundry between mine, Justin’s, and Lucy’s, folding the laundry in a particular way depending on the garment, putting it away, starting a new load (because let’s be honest, there will be about ten to do because I have put it off for so long) and it starts all over again. The worst of it is that once the laundry is done, I have clothes I am wearing that need to be cleaned at the end of the day, so it seems like the task is never done. Therefore, I can’t check it off my list, and if I can’t completely check it off my list, then why bother, right? 

Or picking up the bedroom? Not just picking up the floor and making the bed. It turns into cleaning out the closet, setting aside at least three piles for donations, and scrubbing every surface. Don’t even mention the carpets…though our sweet Harper has passed, I don’t believe we will ever get all of her dog hair up, no matter how many times I vacuum or deep clean the carpets. 

It overlaps into my appearance as well. If I don’t feel confident in myself, I don’t try to overcompensate in other ways, I do the opposite. In my mind, if I don’t try at all, no one can judge me because no effort was put in in the first place. Odd coping mechanism, right? 

I feel like that is where this challenge has found me. The excuses of “I don’t have time” or “I’ll be rushed” or “I am not in the mood” whatever, is repeating over and over in my head. So, I don’t do it, not because I don’t want to, not because I’m not capable, but because I talk myself out of it by over complicating things in the vein of being perfect. 

So, I would like to call this a re-start, but let’s not kid ourselves. I don’t know if I will succeed in posting every day like I plan and I am trying to be okay with that. I am trying not to stress out thinking I need to make up every day I have missed writing. Instead, I am going to celebrate that I was able to get this out tonight. I will celebrate that I put my daughters clean clothes away today and washed my hair. I will celebrate that I am going to bed before 2AM. Instead, I am going to try my absolute hardest to actually be present with my family instead of staring at my phone in order to avoid feeling the burden of imperfection. 

Who knows if anyone will actually read this. If you are, I hope you aren’t judging me too harshly…maybe you can even relate. Regardless, my therapist will get a kick out of this post, I’m sure. I can hear her voice now, “it isn’t all or nothing, Sam…” 

My prayer for you is to embrace this bizarre confession as a chance to recognize where you might be perseverating of perfection in your own life. Give it to God and be present. You never know what you will get to experience in the small moments. 

Love and Blessings, 

Sam